


4 B34UT1FUL D1S4ST3R

by horrorpeach



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: F/M, Mary Sue, Self-Insert Fic, badfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-18
Updated: 2011-08-18
Packaged: 2017-10-22 18:52:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/241388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorpeach/pseuds/horrorpeach
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Team Dave<3Terezi submission for Round 1 of the HSO.  Terezi, in her attempts to woo Dave Strider, decides to write him a story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	4 B34UT1FUL D1S4ST3R

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GC: D4V3   
GC: D4V3   
GC: 1 M4D3 SOM3TH1NG FOR YOU >:]   
TG: is it one of your shitty troll comics   
GC: NOP3!   
GC: 1 WROT3 4 B34UT1FUL STORY   
GC: TH4T 1 B3L13V3 YOU W1LL 4PPR3C14T3   
GC: W1TH YOUR 1MP3CC4BLY 1RON1C COOLK1D T4ST3 >;]

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] sent turntechGodhead [TG] the file "1N_WH1CH_4_F34RSOM3_RUTHL3SS_L3TH4L_4ND_T3RR1BLY_S3XY_L3G1SL4C3R4TOR_D1SCOV3RS_TH4T_4_TRULY_1LL3G4L_CR1M1NAL_H4S_B33N_T3RROR1Z1NG_1NNOC3NT_C1V1L14NS  
_4ND_B3C4US3_SH3_1S_TH3_GR34T3ST_L3G1SL4C3R4TOR_TH3_UN1V3RS3_H4S_3V3R_S33N_1T_1S_3V1D3NTLY_H3R_R3SPONS1B1.txt" --

GC: 1 COULDN’T F1T TH3 WHOL3 T1TL3 1N TH3 BOX >:[   
TG: jegus   
TG: tommy lees dick just called   
TG: said he wanted to give you an award for surpassing his vast length   
GC: 1 4M GO1NG TO 4SSUM3 TH4T TH4T 1S 4NOTH3R ON3 OF YOUR GROSS 34RTH TH1NGS   
GC: 4ND PR3T3ND TO B3 SUFF1C13NTLY GROSS3D OUT   
TG: so what is this anyway   
GC: 1 TOLD YOU   
GC: 1T 1S 4 STORY 1 WROT3   
TG: really   
TG: you wrote a story   
TG: is it filled with near orgiastic descriptions of justice where the court is presided over by troll judge judy who is overcome by the competence of her canekind wielding protege with a voice shriller than teeth on a chalkboard   
TG: you know who i mean   
TG: you   
TG: terezi   
TG: ms pyrope if youre nasty   
GC: 1F YOU WOULD STOP B31NG 4N 4SS   
GC: 4ND WOULD ST4RT R34D1NG   
GC: YOU WOULD KNOW >:]   
TG: fine   
TG: i'm a busy man   
TG: but i guess i can take a minute to read your shitty story

  
> Dave: Read what is probably a summary of the next episode of Law and Order: Pyrope’s JUST1C3 Fetish

 

 _1N WH1CH 4 F34RSOM3, RUTHL3SS, L3TH4L, 4ND T3RR1BLY S3XY L3G1SL4C3R4TOR D1SCOV3RS TH4T 4 TRULY 1LL3G4L CR1M1NAL H4S B33N T3RROR1Z1NG 1NNOC3NT C1V1L14NS, 4ND B3C4US3 SH3 1S TH3 GR34T3ST L3G1SL4C3R4TOR TH3 UN1V3RS3 H4S 3V3R S33N, 1T 1S 3V1D3NTLY H3R R3SPONS1B1L1TY TO 3NSUR3 TH4T S41D CR1M1N4L R3C13V3S TH3 MOST BRUT4L R3TR1BUT1ON SH3 H4S TO OFF3R_

 _  
_

> Dave: Decide that that is exactly what the fuck this is and oh fuck what have you gotten yourself into you really need to stop associating with ladies who get off on the weirdest shit

 

1T W4S 4 BR1GHT 4ND STORMY D4Y. TH3 1NCR3D1BL3 YOUNG L3G1SL4C3R4TOR STOOD ON 4 ROOFTOP UND3R TH3 SUN 4ND R4IN W1TH ON3 4RM THROWN OV3R TH3 B4CK OF H3R TRUST3D DR4GON ST33D, 4NDR4D1T3. TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR L1K3D TO C4LL H3R 4ND1 B3C4US3 1T W4S 34S13R TH4N 4LW4YS TRY1NG TO C4LL OUT 4NDR4D1T3 4ND 4NYW4Y TH3 DR4GON S33M3D TO L1K3 1T TOO. TH3 BL1ST3R1NG 4LT3RN14N SUNL1GHT B34T DOWN UPON TH3 P41R 4ND WH1L3 1T WOULD USU4LLY PROV3 H4RMFUL TO R3S1D3NTS OF TH3 PL4N3T, TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR (WHOS3 N4M3 NO ON3 KN3W B3C4US3 SH3 W4S F4MOUS BUT 4LSO SOOOO MYST3R1OUS >:]) W4S NOT F4Z3D. TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR H4D B33N H4TCH3D W1TH A V3RY V3RY R4R3 G3N3T1C S3QU3NC3 TH4T R3ND3R3D H3R 1MMUN3 TO TH3 R4YS SO SH3 COULDN’T C4R3 L3SS 4BOUT HOW D4NG3ROUS 1T W4S SUPPOS3D TO B3.

SH3 GR4C3FULLY L1FTS H3R SM4LL, SH4RP NOS3 TO TH3 4IR 4ND INH4L3D. SH3 W4S GR33T3D BY TH3 USU4L ST3NCH OF TH3 C1TY: L13S 4ND F1LTH. TH1S NORM4LLY M4D3 H3R M4D B3C4US3 1T M34NT TH4T NOT 4LL OF TH3 L4W OFF1C14LS TOOK TH31R JOBS 4S S3R1OUSLY 4S SH3 D1D BUT TOD4Y 1T JUST FRUSTR4T3D H3R. H3R T4RG3T MUST H4V3 KNOWN TH4T SH3 WOULD TRY TO F1ND H1M BY SM3LL (S1NC3 SH3 W4S BL1ND 4ND COULD NOT 4CTU4LLY S33 M4NY CR1M1N4LS THOUGHT TH3Y COULD H1D3 34S1LY BUT TH31R SC3NT STOOD OUT TH3 MOST 4ND H3R 4B1L1TY TO SN1FF OUT TH3 TRUTH W4S OBV1OUSLY P4RT OF WH4T M4D3 H3R SOOO T4L3NT3D) 4ND TH4T 1S WHY H3 C4ME H3R3. 1T W4S 34SY TO G3T LOST 1N TH3 ST1NK OF TH1S C1TY. TOO 34SY.

 

> Dave: What the fuck. You stare at the words in awe. Terezi’s written the shittiest self-insert you have ever read.

> Dave: Obviously you keep reading.

 

BUT WH4T 1S TH1S?!?! SH3 SN1FF3D 4G41N 4ND C4TCH3S ONLY 4 H1NT OF SOM3TH1NG UNF4M1L4R 4ND SW33T. SH3 GR1NNED 4T H3R B34UT1FUL BL4CK DR4GON WHO SM3LL3D OF SP1CY BL4CK L1COR1C3. “D1D YOU SM3LL TH4T, 4ND1?” SH3 QU3R13D.

“Y3S 1 D1D 4ND 1T SM3LL3D ABSOLUT3LY D3L1C1OUS,” R3PL13D TH3 DR4GON. “DO YOU TH1NK TH4T TH4T W4S H1M?”

TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR GR1NN3D 4 W1D3 GR1N L1K3 TH1S >:D TH4T SHOW3D OFF 3V3RY ON3 OF H3R V3RY PO1NTY 4ND V3RY SH4RP T33TH, OF WH1CH SH3 H4D M4NY. H4V1NG LOTS OF SH4RP 4ND PO1NTY T33TH 1S CONS1D3R3D V3RY 4TTR4CT1V3 BY TROLL ST4ND4RDS 4ND 3V3RYON3 KN3W TH4T TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR W4S ON3 OF TH3 MOST 4TTR4CT1V3 TROLLS TO 3V3R L1V3. SH3 HOPP3D ONTO 4ND1’S B4CK, WH1CH W4S V3RY SL1PPP3RY FROM 4LL TH3 R41N, 4ND WH4PP3D H3R ON TH3 B4CK W1TH TH3 DR4GON-H34D3D C4N3 SH3 4LW4YS C4RR13S. “FLY 4ND1, FLY!” SH3 CR13S 4S TH3 DR4GON TOOK OFF 4FT3R TH3 SM3LL OF TH3 CR1M1N4L.

“1 R34LLY W1SH YOU WOULDN’T WH4P SO H4RD. 1T HURTS 4 B1T,” 4ND1 COMPL41N3D.

“SORRY,” TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR 4POLOG1Z3D. “HURRY. F4ST3R, B3FOR3 H3 G3TS 4W4Y!”

“1F YOU W4NT TO GO F4ST3R, M4YB3 YOU SHOULD GROW W1NGS 4ND FLY 4FT3R H1M!” TH3 DR4GON 3XCL41M3D R4TH3R GRUMP1LY.

“W3LL TH3N 1 W1LL!” SH3 R3PL31D ANGR1LY. SH3 TH3N PROC33D3D TO SPROUT B34UT1FUL B34UT1FUL T34L W1NGS TH4T D1SPL4Y3D H3R MOST NOBL3 BLU3BLOOD H3R1T4G3 4ND SP3D OFF 4FT3R TH3 CR1M1NAL, L34V1NG 4ND1 1N TH3 DUST. “BLUHHHHHH,” SH3 COMM3NT3D 4S TH3 CR1M1N4LLY FOUL 41R RUSH3D UP H3R V3RY S3NS1T1V3 NOS3, “1 W1LL H4V3 TO WORK H4RD3R 4T CL34N1NG UP TH1S C1TY WH3N 1 4M F1N1SHED B3C4US3 1 4M TH3 ONLY TROLL C4P4BL3 OF 4 JOB L1K3 TH1S.” BUT TH3N! TH3R3 W4S TH4T LUSC1OUSLY SW33T SM3LL 4G41N! BUT TH1S T1ME 1T W4S T41NT3D SOM3HOW, 4S THOUGH 1T W4S OBSCUR1NG TH3 R33K1NG ODOR OF MOR4L CORRUPT1ON. 1T SM3LL3D L1K3 4 C4SS34OL3 OF THR33-D4Y OLD LOW3R 3XTR3M1TY COV3R1NGS DR3NCH3D 1N A TOPP1NG OF PUTR1D L13S.

TH3R3! JUST B3LOW! MIX3D 1N W1TH TH3 CROWD! YOU SWOOP 1N 4ND T4CKL3 TH3 CR1M1N4L TO TH3 GROUND W1TH 4 CRY OF V1CTORY. YOU GR1N 4T TH3 CR1M1N4L 4S H3 STRUGGL3S B3N34TH YOU. “F1GHT1NG YOUR D3ST1NY 1S RATH3R UNB3COM1NG OF COOLK1DS L1KE YOU, M4STERB34T3R,” YOU S41D, LOW3R1NG YOUR F4C3 AND V3RY S3XY, R4ZOR SH4RP, EXPOS3D T33TH CLOS3R TO H1S F4C3.

“HOW D1D YOU M4N4G3 TO F1ND M3, MRS. L3G1SL4C3R4TOR?” TH3 M4ST3RB34T3R 4SKS COOLLY, 4RCH1NG 4 D3L1C4T3 3Y3BROW OV3R H1S 1RON1C4LLY COOL SH4D3S.

“1T W4S S1MPL3,” SH3 PURR3D, ST1CK1NG H3R NOS3 1NTO H1S H41R JUST 4BOV3 H1S 34R 4ND 1NH4L1NG D33PLY 4LONG H1S F4C3. ONC3 SH3 F1N1SH3D BR34TH1NG 1N TH3 SC3NT TH4T 1S SO R3MN1SC3NT OF D3C4D3NT B4K3D GOODS, SH3 TOOK 4 LONG, SLOW L1CK OF TH3 P4L3 SK1N ALONG H1S J4W. “YOUR SC3NT 1S SO UN1QU3, SO APP34L1NG… YOU 4R3 TH3 WORLD’S L4RG3ST V4N1LL4 FROST3D WH1T3-C4K3 CUPC4K3. 4ND TH3 TONGU3 OF TH3 L4W DO3S NOT F1ND YOUR FL4VOR L4CK1NG,” SH3 FROWN3D, “BUT YOUR CR1M3S 4R3 ANOTH3R M4TT3R ENT1R3LY.”

 

> Dave: You arch an eyebrow high above your ironically cool shades. In Terezi’s story, you are the criminal. It’s you. You just hope that your crimes are truly illegal.

> Dave: Continue reading.

 

“4ND WH4T CR1M3S H4V3 1 COMM1TT3D TO OFF3ND YOUR D3L1C4T3 S3NS3S?” M4ST3RB34T3R 4SK3D 4S TH3 F4M3D L3G1SL4C3R4TOR DR4GG3D H1M TO H1S F33T 4ND 1NTO 4 D4RK 4ND UN1NH4B1T3D ALL3Y WH3R3 SH3 T13D H1M TO SOM3 P1P3S W1TH COMPL3T3LY 1ND3STRUCT1BL3 ROP3 SH3 K3PT ON H3R JUST FOR TH1S SORT OF S1TU4T1ON. SH3 W4S 3XC3LL3NT 4T TY1NG KNOTS B3C4US3 TH3Y W3R3 N3C3SS4RY FOR 4PPR3H3ND1NG TH3 MOST SL1PP3RY OF 3VILDO3RS. H3 D1D NOT TRY TO F1GHT H1S C4PTOR 4ND M4YB3 S33M3D TO 3NJOY B31NG T13D UP? SH3 FOUND TH4T STR4NG3 S1NC3 TH3Y 4LW4YS FOUGHT, 1NS1ST1NG TH4T TH3Y W3R3 1NNOC3NT BUT TH3Y 4LW4YS CONF3SS3D 1N TH3 3ND. SH3 W4S FRUSTR4T3D. D1D H3 W4NT H3R TO T13 H1M H3R3 1N 4 GROSS D4RK 4LL3Y 4ND L3T TH3 L4W H4V3 1TS W4Y W1TH H1M? WH4T TH3 FUCK W4S WRONG W1TH H1M? 4ND HOW D1D SUCH 4N 1LL3G4L M4ST3R OF B34TS M4K3 THE GR34T3ST 4ND MOST UNT4M4BL3 LEGISL4C3R4TOR 1N 4LL OF 4LT3RN14’S H1STORY H4V3 4 H34RT TH4T M4Y B3 B34T1NG CH3RRY R3D?

Y3S, SH3 D3C1D3D, TH4T W4S EX4CTLY WH4T H3 W4NT3D 4ND SH3 WOULD H4PP1LY OBL1GE. SH3 WOULD M4K3 H1M SCR34M B3FOR3 SH3 W4S DON3. SH3 WOULD BR34K TH4T IC3 COLD V1S4G3 OF H1S L1K3 1T W4S 1C3 4ND SH3 W4S 4 H4MM3R OR SOM3TH1NG THT COULD BR34K 1T. M4K3 1T SH4TT3R 1NTO 4 M1LL1ON T1NY COOL P13C3S TH4T COULD M3LT 1N H3R MOUTH B3H1ND H3R S3XY 4ND L3TH4L CHOMP3RS.

YOU SM1L3 4G4IN. “YOUR CR1M3S?” YOU ASK SW33TLY, SW33T3R TH4N TH3 T4ST3 OF TH1S F4SC1N4T1NG COOLK1D. “YOUR CR1M3S 4R3 4S M4NY 4S MY HORNS BUT NOT N34RLY 4S SH4RP OR 4M4Z1NG OR B4D4SS. NUMB3R ON3,” SH3 S4YS, COUNT1NG TH3M OUT ON H3R F1NG3RS, “YOU 4R3 CL34RLY TOO S3XY FOR YOUR SH1RT. YOUR S3X1N3SS 1S SO GR34T TH4T 1T T3RROR1Z3S TH3 C1V1L14NS OF 4LT3RN14. NUMB3R TWO, YOU’V3 B33N P1R4T1NG MUS1C. W3 DO NOT TOL3R4T3 SUCH BL4T4NT D1SR3SP3CT OF TH3 L4W.”

“4ND WH4T DO YOU PL4N TO DO 4BOUT 1T?” M4ST3RB34T3R 4SK3D, CL34RLY TRY1NG TO 1NT1M1D4T3 TH3 F4M3D LEG1SL4C3R4TOR. H3 KN3W H3 H4D B33N FOUND OUT B3C4US3 SH3 COULD D3T3CT 4 F4INT ODOR OF UN34S3 4BOUT H1M. S1LLY CR1M1N4L. D1DN’T H3 KNOW TH4T SH3 KN3W TH4T H3 WOR3 THOS3 SH4D3S JUST TO H1D3 H1S F4C3 BUT H3 COULD H1D3 NOTH1NG FROM H3R? TH3R3 W4S NOTH1NG TH4T EXC1T3D H3R MOR3 TH4N TH3 CH4S3 3XC3PT FOR THOS3 WHO THOUGHT TH3Y COULD H1D3 FROM H3R. 1T M4D3 H3R SH1V3R JUST TO TH1NK 4BOUT 1T.

“W3LL, TH3 F1RST OF YOUR HORR1F1C OFF3NS3S 1S R4TH3R 34S1LY SOLV3D,” SH3 GR1NN3D. L34N1NG FORW4RD, SH3 T1LT3D ON3 OF H3R M4GN1F1C3NT HORNS FORWARD TO SL1C3 CL34NLY THROUGH H1S SH1RT. 1T FLUTT3R3D TO TH3 GROUND L1K3 4 HORR1BLY T4TT3R3D 4ND M4YBE D34D BUTT3RFLY. SH3 COULD H34R H1M BR34TH1NG H34V1LY 4ND 1T M4D3 H3R GR1N 3V3N W1D3R. “PROBL3M, M4ST3RB34T3R?”

“NOT 4 D4MN ON3,” R3PL13D H3 W1TH 4 FORC3D TON3. “TOT4LLY US3D TO CR4ZY TROLL G1RLS T34R1NG OFF MY CLOTH3S 1N CR33PY 4LL3YS. TH3Y 4LL W4NT TH3 GOODS 1 GOT TO SH4R3.”

“1S TH4T SO?” QU1PP3D TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR 4S SH3 FOLD3D H3R 4RMS OV3R H3R B4R3LY-COV3R3D GRUBP1LLOWS. “YOUR WORDS ST1NK OF D3C31T, M1ST3R. BUT, W41T, TH3R3’S SOM3TH1NG ELSE TH3R3 TOO…” YOU L34N FORW4RD 4ND T34R OFF H1S GL4SS3S (H3 M4K3S TH3 T1N13ST MO4N 1N PROT3ST BUT YOU 1GNOR3 1T B3C4US3 H3 1S NOT 1MPORT4NT 3NOUGH FOR YOUR CONC3RN) EXPOS1NG TH3 HOLY J3GUS TH3R3 1S 4 P41R OF CH3RRY R3D 3Y3S B3H1ND THO3 GL4SS3S TH4T YOU H4DN’T S3NS3D B3FOR3! YOU F1ND TH4T TH3Y 4R3 TH3 P3RF3CT TOPP1NG ON TH1S CR1M1N4LLY P3RF3CT CUPC4K3 OF 4 HUM4N 34RTH M4N. YOU N33D TO R3S1ST TH3 URG3 TO L1CK H1S 3Y3S. YOU M4N4G3 TO R3S1ST TH4T ON3, BUT ONLY BY H4V1NG 4 LONG, L4NGUOROUS L1CK OF H1S WH1T3-BLOND3 V4N1LL4 FROST1NG H41R.

YOU R34L1Z3 YOU C4N NO LONG3R HOLD B4CK. YOU 1N1T14T3 M4NY SLOPPY M4K3OUTS W1TH M4ST3RB34T3R, WHO R3SPONDS MOR3 TH4N W1LL1NGLY.

4ND TH3N TH3Y F1LL3D F1V3 F1L14L P41LS 4ND 1T W4S 4M4Z1NG. H3 W4S P3RM4N3NTLY B4NN3D FROM TH3 1NT3RN3T.

TH3 3ND

 

> Dave: Realize that somehow your hand made its way to your mouth and your glasses have been uncoolly knocked askew. Readjust your glasses and decide you need to have a talk with this particular troll girl.

  
TG: tz what the fuck did I just read   
TG: this some insane sexual fantasy of yours or something   
GC: H3H3H3H3   
GC: D1D YOU L1K3 1T? >;]   
TG: no   
TG: i didnt like it   
TG: i didnt like it at all   
TG: im about to sue for libel this is an indecent use of my image   
TG: i have a reputation to protect   
TG: and im going to tell that douchefuck homeschooled kid who writes dragon books youre abusing his intellectual property what with your talking dragon   
TG: hows that feel to be on the other side of the law pyrope   
GC: BL4RRR   
GC: F1N3 B3 TH4T W4Y   
GC: BUT W3 BOTH KNOW TH3 TRUTH   
GC: 1 KNOW YOU W34R THOS3 SH4D3S JUST TO H1D3 YOUR F4C3 D4V3   
GC: BUT YOU 4R3 NOT COOL3R TH4N M3 >:|

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TG: i fucking loved it   
TG: shit


End file.
